Cooking, the Oliver Way

I have a unique cooking style, which I will demonstrate through the use of examples, contrasting the standard method and mine. I've included some baking examples

Pasta Sauces
Standard method: Chop up the vegetables you need. Fry onions and garlic etc., fry meat if using some, add liquids and simmer until ready.
Oliver method: Slowly but methodically chop up the vegetables. Take twice as much time as suggested in the recipe. Heat frying pan, burn garlic. Turn down heat, slowly warm onions to death. Turn up heat, burn more garlic. Add too much oil. Add other vegetables, cry as frying pan cools down too much again. Give up and add sauce. Have sauce refuse to boil. Turn up heat, sauce boils ferociously. Fiddle with heat, put the lid on, give up and have a glass of beer or wine. End up eating an hour later than intended. Wonder why, after all the mistakes, it still tastes great.

Omelettes
Standard method: Beat eggs. Pour over pan, cook, flip half and cook both sides.
Oliver method: Beat eggs. Pour over pan, cook, disintegrate half trying to flip it, swear, convert into scrambled eggs. Wonder why the hell people bother with omelettes when scrambled eggs are just as good.

Muffins
Standard method: mix dry ingredients, mix wet ingredients, combine, spoon into muffin tins, bake.
Oliver method: Take twice as much time to mix ingredients, spend half an hour spooning mix into muffin tins, bake. Wonder how a recipe for 24 muffins ends up as 18 muffins.

Bread
Standard method: combine ingredients, let rise, knead, bake.
Oliver method: Decide to make sourdough. Place in laundry room to turn sour. Check sourdough's progress daily as it grows, become sentient, and wages war against the towels.
Mix ingredients, let rise. Rub flour on hands to avoid getting dough stuck to hands and knead. Get dough stuck to hands. Add flour to dough. Add more flour. Add yet more flour and wonder how the hell the dough got so sticky. Give up and place on cookie sheet. Shape with hands, let rise more. Watch as bread turns into amorphous blob rather than pleasing shape. Wash hands. Spend 10 minutes trying to get all the goddamn dough off of hands. Cry into sink when dough is still covering hands. Finally free skin from sticky captor, bake bread. Mmm, bread.

Unfortunately, the Oliver method is losing originality and becoming more like the standard method as I gain experience, so one day I will no longer know the pleasure of soaking my hands in water for extended periods trying to get bread dough off, and my dishes will lack the subtle hint of slightly burned garlic. It only took me 5 minutes to dedoughify my hands this time!

Hey look, it's bread: